I noticed I had worn the crotch out of my jeans - I prefer to open a monologue in the same fashion as my flies; swiftly and unprepared.
Whether it's because I tend to walk most places in London or my large thighs rub constantly? It could even be that Levis have gone down the pan after selling there classic weave to Uniqlo, alas I noticed a draft around the Baltic's one afternoon on Regent Street only to realise there was little in the line of defence against the elements. It was now high time for a new pair of jeans... Being not very affluent, clothes shopping occurs once every Stikklestead Day; a Druid Holiday that occurs every other two years on July 29th, and it just so happened to be that day (today, happy Stikklestead Day!) I could not comprehend the wealth of choice I had once the kind European shop assistant directed me to the Gents jean section. Not only did I have to seek out my waist and leg length, then I had the embarkment of choosing a style!
Not just a colour, 'blue please, no the lighter blue ones, that's it stonewash' or 'i think ill have the dark blue ones please' or 'blue please'. Surely thats all the colours jeans come in? Oh how wrong I was. A smorgasbord or hues and tints; red, orange, yellow, black, purple, "sorry sir, blue's out of stock"
Well if that wasn't enough there were styles to consider; straight cut fine, boot cut no problem, loose fit not a problem, skinny, cargo, elasticated ankles, three quarter lengths..... wait! Hold it; elasticated ankles?
I could not comprehend the shock horror abortion that I had bare witness to. In whose right mind conceived the idea that to elasticate the ankles of jeans a great idea? It's not even practical; drunken friday night/ saturday mornings attempting to remove ones ale sodden clothing half-way up the stairs of the flat share in Shoreditch or Clapham your trousers drop to the floor expecting to walk out of them. Then Suddenly without any preparation you discover that you're shackled at the ankles like a Death Row criminal except they're smelted in Jean fabric.
Purely unpractical and unsafe for drunken youths; who seem to be the only customers for this design flaw. One is also banned from wearing socks by ones own conscience basically because you will look a first rate dick, instead you have to expose the only percent of your body that's hairless to the British weather. Not only that, but if one was to purchase these two-legged monstrosities - and shame on you if you do - one also has to buy shoes that match; those darn espadrilles or Tom's which I'll comment at a later time.
Elasticated Jeans, don't do it, expensive faux par.
